I just don’t know if I can do this anymore. I feel like everything I do turns to shit. I feel like I end up ruining people’s happiness by acting like a jerk. My anxiety overwhelms me so much sometimes and I feel like I am going mad. I feel like a basket case. People see me as “that depressed girl”. I want to be so much more than that. I feel like everything is just spiralling out of control. I don’t have very many friends anymore and the ones I do have, I am so desperate to be liked by them that I end up pissing them off. I have too much to drink and act like a fool. I get lonely so I message people but they’re trying to get on with their own lives and I really need to leave them alone and stop being so desperate. No wonder they don’t reply straight away. I am far too full on and desperate.
I can’t continue living like this. I try so hard not to give in to anxiety but here it is, with its ever-engulfing tentacles wrapping ever tighter around my mind. I just want to be normal. When people read this they will realise how mad I am, but I can’t hold this in any longer.
I will be alright one day. I just… I just don’t know how to get there. I feel like I need to move far away, but then I really will be lonely. I feel like I need to be around my friends but I don’t want to burden them. My best mate is moving to the other side of the world soon. She has the right idea. I’m so happy for her but will be totally devastated when she is gone. Is there any reason for me to stay in Brighton? I can’t see the point.