Toxicity

Do you ever just sit and wonder why friendships end? Sometimes, people just drift apart. Sometimes, however, the reasons are far more sinister.

Looking at life through the eyes of a tired hub

Like most people, I have had friends come and go from my life. There are those that I think about often and really miss, and there are those that rarely enter my mind. Oddly enough, it seems to be the most destructive and unhealthy friendships that I miss the most. In order for someone to really hurt you, you have to have been close to them. There is no pain without love, and no love without pain.

I have been told that I have a habit of putting far too much in to a friendship. Now, this might seem a bit odd, but trusted sources have told me that I go all out when it comes to the people that I care about. Again, this may seem like a bit of an odd thing to say as a negative trait – how could this possibly be a bad thing?

Often in giving my all, I suspect, I come on too strong. I go all the way for those closest to me – like cancelling my plans so that I can spend time with my friends in their time of need. I once cancelled my Friday evening plans quite last minute so that I could throw a birthday party for my friend as she was having a rubbish time. I bought decorations, invited people over and bought food – including a massive cake, of course! I have also gone to various different events that I really did not want to go to, all because I wanted to make my friends happy.

I have come to realise that this is clearly too full on – it smacks of desperation. I have come to this conclusion because I have driven people away. I give, and I give, and I give… but then I get nothing in return and then they disappear – a perfect example being a friend that I used to regularly invite over, who slowly started making excuses about why she couldn’t come over anymore. I then stopped bothering to invite her because I assumed she didn’t want to spend time with me. She never invited me anywhere, and stopped wanting to come to mine. I’m pretty confident that most people would have assumed the same as I had done. It then came as a bit of a shock to me to see her writing publicly on social media that I was actively leaving her out of social gatherings! Colour me very fracking confused. She’s not the only one that’s done this to me over the years. I have lost count of the number of times that a friend has moved on from me to someone more shiny and interesting.

Eating seeds as a pastime activity

So why is it that the ones that I miss the most are the ones that are most damaging? Stereotypical character archetypes that I am finding routinely appear in my life include The Obsessive Chameleon, The Volatile Brat, and The Narcissistic Destroyer – all three monikers of which I’ve coined to describe unsavoury behaviour and are not in relation to any specific people that I know – more of a trend than anything else.

The Obsessive Chameleon

Becomes increasingly obsessed with your friendship with them, to the point that you feel like you can’t breathe or use the toilet without having to update them. Also repeatedly changes who they are to fit in with the people that they are spending most of their time with. Flits from one friendship to another in the process. Beware of this one – they will use you and all of your energy up until you have nothing else left to give, and then they’ll disappear one day and you’ll not hear from them again

The Volatile Brat

Flies off the handle with wreckless abandon. Has the tendency to not see what’s going on past the end of their nose and will throw their toys out of the pram over the most ludicrous of reasons. Dangerous and unpleasant to those around them.

The Narcissistic Destroyer

Intensely obsessed with making absolutely everything centred on them. No matter what the issue is, they will be the victim. They end up destroying all of what is good around them but will refuse to take any responsibility for doing so.

How do you own disorder?

The thing that I really struggle to understand when it comes to problematic friendships is why I miss these people – or, in fact, why do I attract them in the first place? I think that, deep down, I have an innate need to make people happy. Struggling with mental health issues myself, I realise how difficult it can be to be upbeat. When I see others struggling, I instantly feel the need to help them. Sometimes, I do this at my own expense. I do realise that, but I still just cannot sit by and see someone get hurt – even if they’re not a nice person and don’t deserve any attention.

How do I stop myself from being a doormat like this? I really wish that I had the answer to that question. I am most definitely not innocent when it comes to this whole situation – I am sure that there are reasons other than me just being a doormat that pushes people away. I just really wish that I knew what it was and how to address it.

Sacred silence and sleep

When going through dark periods in your life, or even just thinking about dark topics like this, I always find that it’s good to try to pick out something that can act as the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s not all bad for me when it comes to friendships. Some people that I know are truly wonderful and I have an immense amount of love for them. I could wax lyrical about how much I love Jodie, Holly, Abi, Rez, my gorgeous uni friends… I’m not going to list out every single person but they know who they are. All of these people give back just as much as I give them, and are all frequently far more caring and kind to me than I deserve.

I am slowly beginning to lose all of the Obsessive Chameleons, Volatile Brats and Narcissistic Destroyers from my life. There are still a few clinging on that I can’t quite seem to shake off just yet, but hopefully those problems will sort themselves out eventually.

Mrs Helfy

xxx